Often during difficult conversations any any form of relationship, we get into defensive mode in order to escape from the feeling of undergoing a difficult conversation. This can be due to a variety of reasons – from having a bringing up in dysfunctional homes to being very candid and unconsciously letting the behavior take control. Addressing this, Therapist Emily H Sanders said, “It’s not hard to understand that tough conversations and confrontations make us want to protect ourselves! In those moments it’s not uncommon for our defenses to flare up and ultimately derail the conversation- even if that’s not what we are consciously attempting to do.”
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Speaking of how our dysfunctional communication defenses can derail a conversation, Emily further added, “Often, our defenses helped us adapt to our family of origin, but they can get in the way now. Many of the defenses here lead to dysfunctional communication- and it’s important for us to be aware of ways we may interrupt or derail a conversation.” She further noted down a few communication defenses for her readers:
Shutting down: Completely shutting down without speaking a word and refusing to add to the confrontation is a communication defense.
Becoming the victim: At any point of the confrontation, choosing to become the victim of the entire situation can be a way of siding with the argument.
Anger: Showing rage or anger and creating a sense of fear and now allowing vulnerability to show, is a form of communication defense.
Fragility: Creating a space for making the truth softer, because we can be easily offended or wounded in the process of the confrontation.
Lying: Speaking lies through the confrontation to escape as the good person in the argument is a dysfunctional scheme of confronting the truth.
Owning the blame: Owning to all the shame and the blame amplifies the emotions in the confrontation.
Intellectualising: Using big words, facts and data to intimidate the other person Bringing up old tensions: 2Referring to older tensions and grudges and making the confrontation more intense.
Threats: Making forms of physical and emotional threats throughout the confrontation to have an upper hand.
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